Humor Amid the Apocalypse
It’s almost Election Day, and judging by the hysterical posts hurtling through cyberspace, the nation is poised for greatness or is on the verge of collapse, depending on which candidate triumphs.
To offer some perspective, I predict the sun will still rise on Nov. 4, we will all still breathe, and life will continue on despite the Gloom and Doom Prophets.
In the interest of adding some much-needed levity to the apocalyptic feel in the air, I felt compelled recently to pass along a few of the jokes that have come my way over the years.
Some are from nearly 15-year-old emails I dug out of a folder in my filing cabinet; others are more recent.
Top of the Brew
My favorite is about the cowgirl from Arkansas who visits Texas. She walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. Then she sits in the back and sips from each one. When she’s done, she orders three more.
“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it,” the bartender says. “It would taste better if you got them one at a time.”
“Well, you see, I have two sisters,” the cowgirl replies. “One is in Australia and the other in Ireland. When we left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the good old days. So I’m drinking one for each sister and one for myself.”
The cowgirl becomes a regular at the bar and always drinks the same way.
Until one day, when she walks in and only orders two mugs. Everyone falls silent. When she orders a second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences for your loss.”
The cowgirl looks puzzled for a moment. Then a light dawns in her eyes.
“Oh, everybody’s fine,” she says with a chuckle. “It’s just that my husband and I joined a Baptist church and I had to quit drinking.”
After a pause, she adds, “Hasn’t affected my sisters, though.”
Humor in Middle Age Awakening
I also came across an old list of things you should have learned by middle age. Here are the best:
* Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
* Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
* If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
* Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
* Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
* No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
More recently, I received a string of brief items, the first from a friend and the others in a series from members of the Editorial Freelancers Association:
* A horse walks into a psychiatrist’s office and sits down on the couch. The doctor asks, “Why the long face?”
* A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says: What is this, some kind of joke?
* A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
* A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo,” to which the bartender replies, “Silly rabbit, this is a bar, not a blood bank!”
* A man recalled, “I walked by a farm and read a sign that said, ‘Duck, Eggs.’ I thought, ‘Well, that’s an unnecessary comma.’ And then it hit me.”
* Rene Descartes walks into a bar, orders a glass of champagne and drinks it. The bartender asks if he wants another, to which he replies, “I think not.” Descartes then fades from reality.
Laugh a little during the next few weeks. 😂 You’ll feel better.